23 April 2013

from me to you


This week marks the loss of a friend after four years I still struggle to cope with the news, I don't often share the most inner thoughts I have on here, for many reasons,  but this week is often the hardest. We were so young and it was so unexpected, I haven't written this post for sympathy far from it, I have written the post to keep the memory of him going, sometimes its hard when you forget memories and it the hardest when you move away from people who you all once shared a friendship with, its like what we all went through never happened. So if you are living with people at university or with your family, please appreciate those people you share your life with, observe the small things, appreciate the moments you have together. Its always the silly things your brain retains when you can no longer be with them. Because we all at some point suffer a loss be it family, friends or pets and it is never the easiest to cope with but life can be hard and life can be amazing, never hold back I have learn't life is to short if you like someone like them, if you don't get on with someone you tried move on, if you worry about how you look, don't - well worry in the right proportions, and move on. 

People come in and out of our lives for reasons, sometimes they aren't clear and it can be confusing, the loss of a friend in a horrific accident can throw your world upside down and it can be the hardest thing to deal with, and those moments of not knowing and friends not speaking of the worst, was the hardest, and if I am honest I am still wondering why, why you walked into my life and how it was so easy for you to walk out of it. I know it wasn't by choice but it leaves a massive hole. 

Everyone has their tragedies and hard times, we are all humans. We love, we hurt and we eventually die, pretty heavy I know but I think once you grasp the thought that the time we have on this planet is fleeting and that change is inevitable, you learn to absorb the small things and notice that everyone we encounter leaves marks on us be it good or bad and that is important and what they leave behind is what is valued not what we posses. I remember my best friend saying nothing is ever constant, so appreciate what you have.
The moment I had to tell her the bad news I had received via a phone call from another friend in tears, it was the hardest moment, I try not to remember that moment, it was like a movie, when things pause and moments feel like forever, with silence. The phone call will stay with me forever I am just grateful Kelly didn't have to answer the phone, it was a bad dream. I remember exactly where i was and we were watching mamma mia, we were laughing and drawing as the rain poured outside. Both me and kelly thought to ourselves if they had just waited two more minutes would it have been different? I guess we would never know. 

for yourself and for me take today, to do what you enjoy even if it is for five minutes, savour what makes you happy with people that make you happy and if they are far away, which sadly sometimes the people you love and care for are, write to them, call them. If I have learn't anything from loosing my friend is to take the time to appreciate what you have with who you have it with. If you have something you want to do in life do it, don't let fear or failure hold you back. I'm not really saying go out and do everything and take everything in, and rush through life, its nice sometimes to have chill time and not always push yourself, but remember what you are here for. When times seem bleak, you aren't alone you really aren't, if you don't really have someone physically there to talk to, you could email someone, tweet someone, write your feelings in to a letter get them out of your head. Processing feelings writing them down and those negative thoughts can be good for you, we are all allowed at times to be down and vulnerable.

 I surrounded myself with my work after loosing him because I felt so guilty that I could finish my degree and he couldn't, that I could laugh and he couldn't but things are the way they are, if you are going through pain or loss at the moment, those feelings you feel will not always stay so raw, it hurts I think its meant to, its meant to make you feel. The best thing you can do is push through don't blame yourself don't regret and always look to the future with a hint of positivity, if it is without someone they wouldn't want you being sad, write them a letter, they may never read it but it can heal wounds. 
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17 comments

  1. My Nan is dying of cancer and i'm 250 miles away from where she is,
    She literally has weeks and all my finals are in, I balance two jobs to so getting home is near impossible.
    It breaks my heart and I just keep crying all the time.
    But its what she wants...right?
    & everyone looses their Nan right, so why should I be anymore upset?

    I think this is a beautiful post and it's really brave of you,
    I feel terrible for your loss and I hope someday you can find some sort of peace.
    It seems so unfair that someone should loose their life so soon.

    Kelly | Day Dreams & Daisy Chains

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  2. I remember when my Nan passed away, I had never experienced death before and for some reason you seem to think that certain people in your life are invincible. Sadly, this was not the case. I moped around for a few weeks yes, but ultimately I knew that if my Nan saw that I had stopped living my life for her that she would give me a nice big slap up the side of the head! From then on, I made sure that when I speak of her it is only of the great times x

    Underneath The Lights

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  3. Sorry on the loss of your friend, I've never experienced hurt like that before however I always remember at school we had tragedies where students had taken their own life or lost their life in accidents. I never knew them personally but I always found it remarkable how the death of someone we didn't know affected us all. It was an uplifting feeling seeing all of that love and support.

    You never get over a death but I hope you and those affected are in a better mind set now. There's always a 'what if' to a situation but saying it doesn't make the situation better, it just ends up driving you mad so there is no need for you to feel guilty at all about anything.

    " don't let fear or failure hold you back." - I shall be taking that quote into consideration. Thank you. It really is true.

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  4. This is emotional to read, and i hope you're okay Ella x

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  5. Death is the hardest thing. I can't read through your post right now because it hits too close to home and I'm about to have a lovely day with my best friend who is very sick.

    I hope you are ok and keep those you love and enjoy in your heart xx

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  6. What a beautiful post. It does make me think about what is important to me and how I should take time to do things I love and spend time with people I care about. Hope you're ok, thinking of you. xx

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  7. This is so beautiful - stay strong and I hope you're ok xx

    goffbot

    goffbot.blogspot.com

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  8. This is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing this with us, it must have been hard.
    I hope your memories of your friend are helping to ease a little of the pain.

    With much love,

    Sophs x

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  9. This is such a beautiful post!
    Losing a loved one is never easy and I'm so very sorry for your loss Ella darling!! xoxo

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  10. Those post is beautiful, I agree with every single line. I feel privileged to have read it, so thank you for writing it and giving me some inspiration to make sure I do everything I want to do without letting fear stop me.

    xxx

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  11. This is beautiful Ella. My nana is quite close to death as she has Alzheimer's and she's rapidly becoming less stable etc. and it's heartbreaking but I know I will have millions of fond memories. I hope you're alright Ella and we are all here for you.
    Georgia x

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  12. i want to say 'i hope you are okay' but it feels like a ridiculous thing to comment. i can't begin to tell you how much this is helping me right now. i lost an old friend of mine in a car accident on thursday. we hadn't spoken in ages but he was apart of my life that is so precious to me. i can't believe it and i can't ignore it, he's everywhere but it makes me happy. all i want to do is cry though, how can someone just go like that? i don't know if i ought to leave flowers at the road side, write his mum a letter, tell his brother i'm so sorry? everything i seem to do at the moment is useless. i'm so pleased that every memory i have of him meant so much before his death and now they are precious infinite amounts of stardust that seem to be sprinkled around my hometown and the places we went. ella you've always been an inspiration of mine and you've helped so much, unbelievable amounts, and ryan would be so proud of you. i remember you telling me about this on the phone when we first started talking. looking back i can understand just how brave you are for being able to address this is such direct manner. i hope i can possess just the slightest proportion of your bravery and good heartedness. perhaps this is something i ought to have emailed or texted you.
    every part of this i will treasure closely, you gem, i cannot thank you enough for these words.

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  13. Reading this makes some things a bit clearer and answers a lot of questions to what i keep asking myself, i lost my mum on christmas eve so the wounds still open wide at the moment and memories still crisp. I thought i was weird writing a letter to her that she'll never see or starting a conversation with her even though she's not there, incase she is.
    it's a Lovely post its just a shame it had to happen! Keep your chin up.
    Melissa
    xx

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  14. Such a beautiful post makes me remember my friend who lost her battle against breast cancer over a year ago. We all have someone who we have loved and lost, just important to remember how they touched your life and why you love them in the first place.

    Thanks for sharing this, glad I found your blog.

    Cat x

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  15. The more personal the more universal. Really lovely post. I like honesty and when people share things.

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  16. Hope your ok Ella! I too lost a friend this December suddenly. Its horrible when its sudden as you have to come to terms with it so quickly.. It didn't set in for a couple of weeks for me and i carried on as normal then remembered at time of us making tea in my kitchen and I just burst into tears! I can't imagine how you feel four years on. I don't think it ever gets easier but I think you just learn to remember the best times you had with them! and that you DID have those times with them and be grateful for it even though it did end short.
    xxxx

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