23 July 2013

a long note to say...


So I have been struggling with this thought for as long as I can possibly remember and its not till now that I totally feel comfortable to admit this to myself, that I have been suffering on and off with depression since I was about 11. Any of you that read my twitter may have seen that I broke up with my boyfriend at the weekend, it was slightly mutual and made me realise a lot about myself. I have been writing this post on and off for the last four days, not really knowing how to word my feelings. Don't worry i am no longer heart broken, or emotionally on the edge ( I don't think I ever really was). And it was at this point that it all became too much, I am aware that sharing too much information online can't always be good, but I thought screw it why not!

 Now I am not one for truly opening up and and being a semi-professional blogger this is a lot out of character for me, opening up isn't always what I am best at online, in person i talk about everything and anything (kinda). This isn't me searching for pity, or me being like woe is me life is rubbish, I guess its just me putting out there. I often get many people email me about my work, why do I do so much? where do I get the time? and why am I always working? I guess i've only just realised its my coping mechanism to get me through the stresses in life. It's now become so intrinsic within me that I do things and push through things without truly realising it.

I know a lot of people who suffer from a form of depression, so I was aware of my feelings for along time without actually admitting to myself that I am suffering from it myself, humour is my coping mechanism among many. I have pretty much suppressed it for the last 14 years I guess, i've decided well its probably time for a change and took the time sunday to talk to my mum about a few things. I think the frustration got to me a little bit. But thats ok becuase we are all humans.

Mum was in no way aware of how I was feeling, like I said humour gets me through, I'm one of those people who even if I spoke about my issues no one would be too bothered or would care ( that thought was in my head and wasn't true), that way of being like I don't want to burden you sort of thing. It got so bad it was to the point i no longer wanted to deal with it anymore or wake up in the morning, I guess I let a lot get to me, what with a very serious incident at work that I had to resolve before I left and an abrupt break up to top it all off.

I have come across a few people who don't understand the feeling of being depressed "there is a sure fire way of snapping out of it" they say, its the constant feeling in your head, for me its a constant non stop pushing. Some people can't do anything for days, I can't stop I never have down time. I suffer from server panic attacks since I was about 5 not aware that they were panic attacks up until about a year ago. They sort of come in waves when I am really stressed, and if I am honest I am stressed probably 90% of the time in fear that if I stop in anyway I will fall off the face of this earth ( totally unrealistic i know theres no logical reasoning!)

I'm not really sure on the use of this blog post its more of a realisation for me that things can get better, and life isn't always peachy and perfect, its ok to sometimes realise you can't cope and you may need to ask for help. I am aware that a lot of us blog to share products, art, and what we have been up to, to relate to people. So I have felt like as a person with over 11,000 readers and followers across a lot of social media platforms, I felt an obligation to share my story to make people aware that its hard to talk about how we feel and sometimes we really don't want to. No matter how high the walls we put up, sometimes, the only way to get through is to talk about it, write it down get it out of your head and get help. I haven't for 11 years, I personally just thought it was my cross to bare, not anyone else's, but remember there is probably someone out there who really cares and loves you and would hate to think of you suffering.

Mum has been great ( and so have lyzi, bee, and my 2  besties kelly and debbie thank you) and I have realised that I need to take everyday as it comes ( don't worry i'm getting help), so I hope in someway this has helped someone out there, to realise that suffering alone be it stress, depression, loneliness or fear of failure you aren't alone. You may look at my life, my drawings or what I create with envy or a sort of her life is pretty cool, well we all have our issues and stresses. Just its not always fun to moan or want to share those negative moments with the world!

This is why I created this blog to help and in some way create a place were people could feel inspired be it advice, life or the sheer fact you like the look of my drawings. This is where my negative emotions have gone, into creating this here blog, something positive and I can look at and say "hell yeah I did that" I want you to see that even though sometimes you don't think you can cope well you probably can, maybe not in the way someone else can but little by little, push by push we can at least try and to me thats what matters and this has got me through. I am too stubborn for the negative feelings to take hold, but in moments of weakness its easy I understand that, its so very hard to not let it consume you, but like I said remember there is someone out there even if you haven't met them yet that cares about you, and you should care about you.

I hope you can take something from these. Anyway I should stop rambling thanks for reading. 


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18 comments

  1. Hi Ella,

    I simply adore your blog and am kind of a quiet follower, I wanted to leave a comment and tell you how much I relate to this post. I have had depression most of my life. I also use humor as a way to lighten the blow on my friends and family when I talk about something regarding my depression. I always make a joke at the end, or say "but you know I'll be ok." even if I'm not sure I will.

    I also have anxiety attacks and racing thoughts. It's weird but my blog is really the place I am most honest sometimes. Friends and family learn how I am doing by reading my posts. I say things I can't say out loud on there. I also share positives in my blog, but I do want to share my journey.

    I think it's great that you posted this. I am sure it will help a lot of people as well as you. Sometimes just saying it makes a difference.

    Love, C

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  2. This was such a beautifully written, honest post. Thank you for sharing this, and you know that we all are behind you xo

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  3. As I shared on Twitter I've fought a similar battle. I must say that Blogging helped immensely though. I love that you shared this though. The more who share the less of a stigma depression is seen as.

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  4. Sending you a HUGE virtual hug!

    I know how you feel, I am the same I use humour to get me through and the people around me never really know what is going on. Sometimes it is so easy to let life get on top of you so much, that you honestly don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, but there definitely is one you just need to keep going to find it! :)

    This is such a lovely post, that I can relate to an awful lot. It's good to talk though and I bet you felt an awful lot better too after writing this post too!
    <3

    Emily / Glittery Teacups

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  5. all my love for you ella as someone very close to me has been dealing this all their life. in times like this, sometimes all you need is the love around you (family, friends, & positive vibe). i will be thinking of you as i know this can be painful. xoxo

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  6. Im so sorry to hear this is happening to you.
    Did you see that programme on bbc3 'diaries of a broken mind' about young people and mental illness? (think its still on iplayer). I just mention it because it made me feel better hearing other people go through same things as me, and that they were so open about it.
    You're blog post made me feel exactly the same way, especially as ive followed your blog for a while now and in the world of blogging, it can often seem like people have perfect lives.
    Im really glad you are getting help, thanks so much for writing this :) xx

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  7. BIG massive hug and a pat on the back for you my babe!!!
    This was a very brave move and unless you know what its like to be 'depressed' you'll never know the freedom accepting and owning it gives you.
    So sorry to hear of your break up and troubles at work - it never rains it pours eh doll?
    Just KNOW that you are NOT alone and things WILL get better.

    YOU DA BOMB

    L xxx

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  8. Oh Ella you are a wonderful wonderful person and I think it's great that you can open up like this. I really admire how you have taken these negative emotions and thoughts and put all that energy into creating incredible art and a lovely blog. I mean, Ella, you really are a talented person with so many people supporting you, so chin up, have a cup of tea, and don't forget all your amazing achievements and great things you've done.

    Stay positive and inspirational,
    Georgina
    x

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  9. Ella, I cannot tell you how much this has touched me. I have been in quite a deep pit for a while now but it has only recently started really affecting me to the point where I no longer want to talk to anyone at all, even my family and I have become very isolated and changed. I know I have been acting out of character and those close to me have even mentioned that I don't seem at all myself, I've lost my cheeriness and sparkle. I hate hearing this but also don't know how to change it. The situation you have described and opened up about is, bar a couple of details, identical to mine and some of the things you said have really shaken me out of my pit. Basically, I'm saying thank you for helping me realise that I am not alone. I appreciate your honesty and admire your courage! Thank you thank you thank you :-D xxx

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  10. Oh Ella,

    thank you for sharing this, although I wish you weren't suffering. I've struggled with depression on and off since I was 11 too, it's hell and so hard to explain. I know you have fantastic support from friends and family, but if you ever want a listening ear or a place to vent my inbox and twitter is always open. Having met you, if only briefly I can confirm you are a super talented, utter sweetheart who deserves nothing but happiness from life x

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  11. Hey! I have just come across your blog after searching for blogs written by people in London, and I can really relate to this post!
    I am a blogger too (also in London), I have Severe Depression, Anxiety, and Borderline Personality Disorder (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder).
    I actually just wrote a similar post to this one a few days ago, because I felt like I wanted to be honest with my readers- because mental health is part of who I am.

    I think it's awesome that you've been brave and honest enough to share this, because there's so much stigma about mental health. People don't understand it, which can make it really hard to get help. Which is why it's so important to talk about it if you're able to rather than continuing the status quo of not talking about it. Judging from the number of comments you have had already with people identifying with this, you've done a really cool thing by sharing it.

    I really hope things do get better for you, and until then you have your blog to focus on. I will keep reading your blog because I think you're awesome.

    Luce (Robot GirlBrain) x X x

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  12. You are such a beautiful person Ella. I'm so glad you've decided to share this post with us because there are more people who feel the same way. Knowing you are fighting and not giving up can only help them in their fights :)x

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  13. This post is amazing. It really resonated with me as I've been going through a difficult time over the last few years, and the sentence "I personally just thought it was my cross to bare, not anyone else's, but remember there is probably someone out there who really cares and loves you and would hate to think of you suffering" is so inspiring. You have really helped to put a more positive light on the way I have been feeling, thank you for writing this, and I hope everything is ok for you x

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  14. I relate to this post greatly.I have felt overwhelmed by feeling like this for a while. I try and pinpoint something that makes me like this but I cannot find reasons, people ask why I am feeling blue/down and they feel my feelings are stupid as I have no answer. I don't want to burden people with my insignificant problems as I feel they would think that there is nothing wrong with me. I dont want to bring others down and this is affecting my relationships because I hold myself back not giving all of myself away. I need to stop hating myself for not being about to get our of this hole I seem to have dug myself into. And I need to stop touturing myself for not being good enough for friendships, relationships, experiences and jobs etc.
    Your post makes me realise I am not alone in my thought and they are not stupid and insignificant.
    Thankyou

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  15. you are wonderful, please don't ever forget that. honest, thoughtful and relatable posts are the best xx

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  16. Hey Ella, I know this must have been really hard to write and post online, but let me tell you that it has meant a great deal to me, to see that there are other people out there, who suffer with the same things. I've been struggling with hyperventilation and anxiety for a few years now and it has grown to be a part of me now. I just have to learn to accept it and seeing other people tell their stories helps a lot! I wish you all the best and keep making these beautiful things!
    Lots of love, Phara

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  17. So sorry to hear about your breakup and trouble at work and especially the depression you've been dealing with. Posts like this are great because not only are you highlighting an important issue that is nothing to be ashamed of, possibly helping others realise they are actually going through the same thing, but putting it down in writing is a great way of sorting things out in your own head. So glad you've spoken to your mum and friends about it and hope things get better. Keep on striving to be the real Ella and don't let anything get in your way, be happy that you're so talented and working at something you love and positive that you're carving out a fantastic future for yourself. You're still young and everything will fall into place eventually, right now all you can do is try your best.

    If you ever want someone impartial to talk to you know where to find me, always happy to be a pair of ears if you need a good rant or advice. <3

    http://www.rafflesbizarre.blogspot.com

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  18. I think sometimes to really admit things to ourselves the best way is to say it out loud/write it. I can imagine the sense of getting it off your chest after writing this!

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Ella
x

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