19 November 2013

Oh life : Learning to let go breaking up with friends

First up I just wanted to welcome you to my new mini series called "Oh life" were I want to talk about subjects that I've experienced and a little more about life. 

Friendship, I have written, deleted and re-written this blog post over the last few weeks, unable to really put certain things into words. I have had friends in the past drift in and out of my life over the last few years never really been effected by it,  But after a recent spell of hard times you can get an idea from my post on my depression. A long term friend decided that our friendship apparently wasn't worth it anymore, deciding to move on deleting me from facebook and twitter.
I think sometimes in life friendships like anything have their natural life span, and do inevitable disappear and flit away into nothing. I was discussing all of this with one of my favorite people Lyzi, it did really hurt me that someone who has played a major part in your life growing up, can suddenly just deem you replaceable and no longer worth your time.
I figured the best thing to do was just to let go. Its horrible breaking up with a friend and maybe pride plays a part in it, but thats all i can do is to let go. I'm not the kind of person to chase and waste my time perusing s friendship that isn't deemed worthwhile by the other person. Sometimes in life there are things worth fighting for and sometimes it gets to a point were unfortunately no matter how great the good times were they out weigh the times when that person wasn't there for you.

Everything that we go through is meant to be for a reason, and yeah seriously its probably always going to slightly annoy me that someone thinks it acceptable to be so cold and uncaring but then again breaking up with a friend was the same why that probably all my boyfriends have ended it with me, so whats the difference hey? So I thought to myself I wonder if i'm the only one who has experienced this. So I decided I would put some feelers out there about how others felt about the subject here are just a few tweets you lovelies sent.


A lot of people talked about how hard it was breaking up with friends , but also at the same time you felt that it was a good thing. Something to move on from and feel positive eventually. So there is some positives to move on from a friendship. I guess like everything in life, we grow out of our friends and we do loose touch, like I talked about earlier everything has its natural progression.
It's sad to know that certain people will always have a slight jealousy that clouds a friendship, and that is really sad isn't it.

So I guess this is me saying its ok to let go, you can't possibly maintain a one sided friendship, there will be a time to move on and if its a godsend someone deleting you off facebook there is a reason. You probably like me may never know. Learn from it and know that all things happen for a reason, you may not realise why, maybe that person is just down right out of order, I personally think sometimes it best to walk away. Believe me I wanted to send a few text which i saved to drafts first and gave myself breathing time to realise that you know what I don't want to get into the nasty side of things. It's good to break away and realise its healthier that way.

Have you experienced something similar? Is it easy to let go?

I would just like to state that this friendship was for almost 15 years, and wasn't based around social media.



 
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25 comments

  1. I feel this is pretty much whats happening with my and one of my 'friends'. I'm always the one to initiate meeting up and doing stuff to catch up, but it's always the cold shoulder and claims that she is busy. Often I have seen her out with other people when she has claimed to be seeing family. We've been friends since we were 11...we're both now 24, and the need for her to lie is still there...It's always better to leave something, whick is what I'm doing, if the other part can't be bothered to give anything xx

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  2. I have a lot of that, but I really need to stop feeling hurt and move on like you. brilliant post! looking forward to see more of this mini series!

    Katrina Sophia

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  3. Interesting post! I had a best friend throughout secondary school and sixth form and as we grew older she just stopped contacting me, even after efforts I made to meet up. She had a lot of flaws and even though we were close, I began to realise I was much better off without said person in my life. If they don't make the effort then I am certainly not going to waste my life doing the opposite. It bothered me for a while and made me feel very inferior (why didn't she want to stay in contact with me? what''s wrong with me?) but I managed to let go and I now realise that I would much rather spend the time making my current friendships stronger, than worry about someone who clearly does not worry about me.

    I also think as you grow older friendships are harder to maintain, you really do have to make the effort and that's why only the special few friends really stay with you forever.

    :)

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  4. I've had exactly this situation happen to me recently & it hurts like hell! If you break up with a boyfriend you can put it down to them not fancying you anymore or something like that, but a friendship ending feels like a rejection of you as a person & it's so much worse. Like you I suddenly was given the cold should & cut out of someone's life and have never known why. I completely agree that trying to be the better person & move on with your life without nastiness is the best thing to do no matter how hard it is. Hugs to you fabulous lady! x

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  5. Oh Ella, I loved reading this post - bittersweet as it was! Over the past 5 years I've learnt to let go of one-sided friendships. Friends should be there to support you, laugh with (and occasionally at!) you, help you up when you're down. I realised that a select few of my 'friends' were more intent on themselves, I'd never get a word in when seeing them, they knew nothing about me, really. But in another case, we just drifted apart and neither of us knew how to turn things round. It's quite sad, but things break apart so better ones can fall into place. I'm terrible at letting things go but have felt worlds better since cutting down on volatile friendships! xx

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  6. I love this post! Like you, I have had a few friendships come and go but I've ended a few (or had some ended on me). I've never cut someone from my life and then later went back on my word ;) I know that might seem cold-hearted to some but I'm not going to waste my time persuing a dead-end friendship (same way I wouldn't force a romantic relationship). xx

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  7. I also have lost friends over time because of my depression. I understand people change and not everyone can cope with me as I am, however it's still not easy to lose that person

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  8. My most recent experience with such a situation has occurred within the last year and I've really struggled to come to terms with it, even (within the last couple of weeks) writing them a big long message asking them to think things through in the hope that we could be friends again. I've heard nothing. I'm not saying I'm not without fault, but our friendship was very one sided and I put up with it for far too long, so I know it's for the better but it doesn't really make it any easier to deal with.

    I'm sorry you've gone through what you have but anyone who is readily willing to be so careless with your feelings really isn't worth your time. Yes, it's a horrible thought, especially to know someone can chuck away a friendship so easily, but I'm sure - in the long term - you will feel better for it.

    Thank you for sharing my love. I look forward to following the series :)

    xxx

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  9. I too have had the same situation, many times in fact. You want to have people in your life who love you and will always be there for you no matter what, that is a true friendship. You want positive people in your life and sometimes the best thing is just to let go. More friends will come your way in the future, some will be in your life forever, some maybe not so much. Not to go all corny on you but this quote is so so true; "we met for a reason, either you're a blessing or a lesson." When I was going through my worst phase of depression I lost a few friends because of it but it let me see who really were my true friends and who weren't which I'm thankful for. You have done the right thing and exactly as you put it, everything happens for a reason xxx

    teacupsandfairywishes.blogspot.co.uk

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  10. I've experienced this a lot tbh. Throughout school I was never the 'popular' kid and would often lose friends and such because of this. I had a really good friend during 3rd and most of 4th year, but during the end of 4th year because of circumstances changing and such we just drifted apart. It didn't really help when she left school to go to college after that. However, in the past few months since shes had her baby, we've spoken more than we have in the past 2 years and I still really value our friendship.
    It's just one of those things in life- making and losing friends.
    Lauren
    ohhayblogs.blogspot.co.uk
    xxx

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  11. I had a bunch of friends stop talking to me simply because they didn't like my boyfriend, that was hard I've been friends with one of them since infant school. The reason why they stop talking to me is because they made friends with one of his ex girlfriends, they didn't really have a good relationship cheating etc. on bath parts so she used to tell my friends all the things he had done to her and then they told me, my response was well hes grown up now etc. which they couldn't accept.
    My Mum and Sister don't think I have any friends because I don't hang round with the same people I did when I was sixteen, the fact that I don't makes me happy, I had a good friendship with those people I just feel that now we are so very different and it would be hard to try and maintain a friendship on something that was.

    Hannah
    x
    www.daintyandivory.blogspot.com

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  12. Glad you did decide to write about this :) it's something that I'm sure a lot of us have experienced. I "broke up" with a friend a few years back, as she wasn't a very good person (cheating, lying, embarrassing me in front of people etc) and I felt better for it. Equally, someone who used to be a close friend decided to delete me & my other close friend off Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc earlier in the year, I guess she felt we'd wronged her somehow, but we didn't believe we'd done anything wrong. We didn't give her the attention that I think she was looking for by deleting us, and we feel a lot more comfortable not having her in our friendship group!

    Sometimes things just don't work out. Friendships are a lot like relationships, and we shouldn't feel scared to bring it up or "break up" if things about it are bothering you. It's not meant in a bitchy way, but more in a healthy way. Nobody needs people in their life who bring them down!

    Love you lady xxxxx

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  13. I went through quite a difficult friend breakup just under two years ago, it was hard because it was obviously we had just grown apart but she suddenly was very mean towards me & told people things about me that weren't true. However it was one of the best things to happen to me & made me realise that I already have great friends in my life who actually care. It would be easier to let go if I didn't still she her around or have her on Facebook but I think because of technology it takes longer to let that part of your life go!

    Ella this was a really great post! Thanks :)

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  14. I think friendships are hard. I've lost a great friendship purely due to drifting apart. There's no hard feelings (at least not on my part anyway) but it's quite sad as we were friends for a very very long time. A lot of the time I feel like we both maybe could have made more effort, but I think the fact that we've both moved on and are doing very different things in life makes it a little easier. I have other friends who I no longer see, and again, I think we're just very different people. When you're young and still at school, it's easy to have a lot of friends. It's only once you all go your separate ways that you see who will actually stick around and make an effort. Right now I have two best friends who I know I can rely on, and everyone else seems to have disappeared somehow. It's sad, but it seems to be what happens x

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  15. Thank you so much for posting this Ella, it's truly eye-opening to read so many other's stories and makes me feel a lot less alone. You've done a wonderful thing to write about something everyone goes through, so thank you very much.

    About a month ago someone I considered my best friend cancelled a day together last minute which really wasn't like her. She said she'd email me to reschedule but in her email she spoke as if we were strangers; small-talking about the weather and her job, but nothing about rescheduling our day out together. I read it feeling really down-hearted and wondered if I had done something wrong. I didn't mention the day out either and thought I'd leave the ball in her court to see if she'd try to meet up, but she didn't. Thing is, as friends it's easy to be open and say when they've hurt your feelings so I didn't understand why I was suddenly getting the cold shoulder with no explanation. And I don't know why I wasn't telling her why I was upset either. When I think about it though, I have always, always been the one to ask to meet up for as long as we've known one another. When I thought about it like that it made me feel like some over-clingy friend which I didn't think was justified, but the realisation that she'd never once been the one to ask to be in my company made me feel really sad. Maybe it's the wake up call I needed; to stop spending so much time in a one-sided friendship that only I cared about. I'm beginning to see that maybe I'm better off without her and I miss her a lot, but I think we've grown into different people. It's hard going through a friendship break up, but I think it's healthy to detox your life every now and again. I'm sure for everyone who has gone through a friendship breakup, they've come away a much stronger person for it.

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  16. I've gone through this with a friend recently, we were best friends and then all of a sudden I barely hear from them for 5 months, I did confront them about it and they weren't really owning up to any wrong doing and hasn't made any effort since to see me or talk to me, so I've well and truly let that go. Although, I have just today had a chat with someone I used to be incredibly close to and we basically drifted apart due to a miscommunication. As much as I think it's important to let go of friends that clearly aren't making the effort, I think it's also important to re-evaluate those friendships that were good and when both parties are willing to make a go of it again and get back to how you were. Friendships are Relationships without the sex... or sometimes with the sex, Ha. There's not much of a difference there. Great interesting post, can't wait for the rest of the series! xxx

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  17. I sometimes wonder if I'm the guy that doesn't get back to people, which worries me slightly.

    Buckets & Spades

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  18. Hi Ella, thank you for posting this, I know there are a lot of other people going through the same thing - including me and it's nice to know that you're not alone I suppose. I just think, Facebook and any other social media sites shouldn't really matter in terms of who is on your friends list or who was the last person to write on your 'wall' or tweet you. Saying that I've made some really good friends online, that I haven't met but who have supported my blogging etc. What I'm trying to say is that, the people who are really your closest of close friends, who you see in real life or not should really be there for you as your friend and it should be a joint effort, that's obviously what makes a friendship, so don't feel bad that this other person decided it was best for them to not be in your life anymore, it's their loss not yours and that person was obviously not worthy of being your friend because you was obviously prepared to do a lot more for them than they were for you and that's a really nice trait in your personality so try not to let it get you down, just keep being you and remember your friendship still means so much to somebody else!

    Lovely post, thank you again for posting!
    xxx

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  19. A friend of mine moved away to uni last year and before she went, she and I (and our other best friend) were like three soulmates. Then whenever we would suggest coming to visit her, she would make excuse after excuse. We always felt like we were constantly the ones contacting her and getting nothing back so eventually we just had to give up. We understand she's made new friends but it's really hurt us and I still miss her a lot. xx

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  20. I find it a really double thing. Its so difficult to let go of a bond forged over time, and hurts when you invest more into a friendship than the receiver of your fondness... But sometimes it really is worth asking yourself if that person is a good influence in your life or not. Some relationships with pals, over the years, are given the title of friend but when looked at closely maybe they should be known as an acquaintance? It's true we out grow people, change our priorities and out look on life and new people enter, as other people leave. A true friend weathers this, sticks around through all the changes. Of course, you should each live your life, but the sign of a lasting friendship is that you can pick up where you left off, understanding of the others situations.
    I have never had a huge group of friends, some people that always appeared close were great to hang out with but never people to trust fully. I was always the one making the effort. That gets a little tiring after a while. And although its never nice to feel abandoned, sometimes reviewing if these people are good for you or not, and making a substantial effort to move on yourself, can really be a change for the better. Surround yourself with people worthy of your friendship. xxx

    Faded Windmills

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  21. I recently realised that a friendship I had with someone I had known for 20+ years was over, we had slowly grown apart. One of the big indicators was the fact that despite her knowing how rough a time I've had over the last two years this year she only contacted me the week before he birthday to find out if I'd come out, then waited another 4months before contacting me again. I finally realised I don't need that sort of person in my life. I need people who are there and who want to be around me. So when she messaged me recently I ignored her. She only gets in touch when she wants something and I am done with it. I have friends who are there even when I am a horrible person to be around (I have some mental health issues) those are the people I am making time for.

    Great post. Thanks or sharing your story. :)

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  22. The day you posted the was the day after my own ex-friend's birthday. Actually, given our time difference, you probably did post it on the 18th (at least, for me). Here's my friendship ending story: We lived together for a year and things fell apart. It was great at first, but once I decided to move out for personal and financial reasons, things changed. When I moved out, she would email me, calling me every name in the book. She called my mom on Christmas Eve to bash me and tell her lies. It was really hard. I'd started dating someone new at the time and I remember dropping him off one night after a nasty bout of texts back and forth with her. I broke down in front of his house and he just let me cry it out. After that, I was done. I couldn't let her dictate how I felt. She deleted me from FB, as well as anyone in my family she was friends with. However, I'm still friends with her family. There comes a point where you have to say,"ENOUGH!" I wished her the best and I think it really irritated her when I stopped reacting to the madness. Sometimes, people can feed off of conflict. I still think of her (it's been almost a year since we've parted ways), but I just hope that she realizes I wasn't the only one to blame. Oh, and we'd been pals for 13 years.

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  23. I've recently been through something like this. They wouldn't support me and discarded me so easily. It was really awfully to be chucked like a piece of rubbish so easily. But now although it is quite lonely as it was my group of friends from school I know it was for the best. If they cared that much our friendship wouldn't have been so easily to chuck away!

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  24. Breaking up is hard to do and it is almost harder with friends I think. Sometimes you do just drift apart but being cut out is horrible especially when you don't know what you have done! I do agree that you have to jettison toxic relationships though, life's too short!

    Maria xxx

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  25. Hi everyone,I have just read all of the posts and I am in tears! My life for the past 10 yrs has been,I don't know how to put it, I guess lonely and loveless. I'm 26yrs I ve been with my fiance for 10 yrs and we have 2 sons. Our oldest 7 has AS too and my youngest 3 has autism. I feel so lonely in my family, none of them understand me at all and don't try. I feel like i ve lost myself. I is much harder to deal with my Fiance then my kids of course, because I shouldn't have to parent him. I don't want to parent 3 people, I want love. He doesn't even feel love I don't think! I'm very sad thinking that I am putting my self in this position, to never put myself 1st or get anything I need or want it life. My family nor his gets it and they say that because he works and takes care of his family with money I should be happy enough. I wish there were groups where iI live but I haven't found and yet. I'm very happy to find other people out there dealing with this, because living life like this is very lonely. I would love to start talking with some of you,all things happen because great zalilu was very great to me,after he help me getting back my man every thing have be working fine.Please you can contact he for help so you can be happy in your relationship.Email him at;greatzalilu@gmail.com

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thank you

Ella
x

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