Where is the time going, it has been a month since I shared the sad news about my mother passing and with that my old life, it’s been an odd sensation obviously one I’ve never truly experienced before, don’t get me wrong I have enjoyed moments within this time, hanging out with friends, laughing with my boyfriend and being around family. Moments my mum would of been proud of, me having my exhibition at Tatty Devine, watching Teddy take his first steps, his first tooth, me hitting my goal weight, and simple moments that we often over look.
It’s been an absolutely horrendous time but with this I have built up a barrier of numbness, one that even if I wanted to shake off I couldn’t, my brain seems to be protecting me fully from the upset and hurt that comes with the loss of such a wonderful human. I have nightmares, vivid ones of my mother, they’re only nightmares as I am reliving that morning for the millionth time in my mind, I’m hoping my brain will slowly adapted it so I somehow forget, how wonderful would that be?! I haven’t slept a full night since, can’t wait for the day I have nice dreams again. I know they will come in time.
I didn’t want this piece of writing to be sad, just a true reflection on moments in my life, it’s been tough and will probably be like this for aslong as I can think, but I’m not sad, I’m oddly at peace with things in life. I have forgiven myself a lot more for certain things, I have learned that being fearless and being alone is a good way to be. I managed my exhibition with the help of the wonderful Jazmine alone, where once stood my mothers encouraging words now stands my memories and gut instinct, something I didn’t think I truly had in me, something I don’t think we have to truly rely on until nothing else is left, until we are forced to stand for ourselves and I am learning that it’s ok to fuck up sometimes. I hated myself for a while because my diet slipped, I was proud of what I had achieved, my diet was one of those but what I realised is that it’s OK to want to eat your feelings, sometimes a bit of comfort food is good for the soul.
I haven’t given myself time to mourn, its hard when everything you see at home reminds you of that person, this all happened outside my bedroom door, so it feels like mourning for me hasn’t been an option, well its odd I don’t feel like I have needed I just feel by getting on with things is the best way I cope and coping is ok for a while I guess. I’m learning to live with a big old whole in my heart, that’s it really, I am truly learning for once, how to be ok with myself and that she was right about everything. So life lately has been tough and hard but then again we are tough and hard with moments of light and happiness and we struggle to deal with things because we are human.
So in light of everything one thing I want my readers to know is that no matter how hard things seem, there is always a voice, strength a guide within you so you aren’t unable to cope, it may feel like you can’t or you find things tough and like me I have felt like there isn’t a point to trying, there is, there is always a point, no matter how weak we are feeling, tomorrow is a new day and we bring our own hope and light were ever we go.
Dear Ella
Not having lost a parent I can't pretend to understand your pain. I think you are very brave. Have you considered seeing a bereavement councelour as this may help you with your grief just being able to talk about your feelings even if they are numb can be a huge help. All my love
It does get better, with time. I've been in your position and have had the exact feelings and the nightmares (they are always the worst). You're not alone. Keep remembering the good times and know that it's okay to grieve in whatever way works for you and forever long it takes.
Dear Ella, what a lovely, honest post. You are doing really well – a month is nothing in terms of bereavement. I can see how strong you are being – keep going with that. One foot in front of the day, each day, every day keeps you moving forward.
I lost my mum earlier this year too and so I can completely understand how hard it is. You feel like no one quite understands how you feel because it's such a surreal feeling, especially if you feel entirely numb like me. It's so odd to feel like it's not real and not being able to accept it (which is just your minds way of protecting yourself I guess) but there really is no quick fix. There's no fix full stop.
As you move on, it's kind of bittersweet really when you end up doing all these things you know your mum would be proud of. It makes me sad to know that my mum isn't around to see these types of things – and even angry that I didn't sort my life out and do it sooner to make her happy when she was still here – but still slightly hopeful at the thought that wherever she is, she IS proud.
If you ever need to talk, just drop me a message. It's tough finding someone to talk to whent no one can really understand what you're going through x
You are wonderful Ella <3 I'm always here for you xxx you are stronger than you'll ever know