Some days are long and drawn and out, filled with self doubt, others days I work my bum off on new creations and ideas, days where I am glued to my chair emailing, painting and generally trying to work my magic are the days that go the quickest. With my ripped jeans on and a Breton top I do my best to get lost in other peoples creative commissions be it a header or a family portrait. But the days I truly love are the ones where I feel myself and my work developing. I feel in recent years I have very mixed opinions on my work and journey, I am known for my illustrations amongst a select few readers and Instagram followers and that's great, social media has allowed me to do this full time. But I want to take my work further and develop my style, I am ambitious to an extent but am very aware and judgmental of myself and as they say you can be your own worst critic and this is really hard when its a passion and your life. it's about getting it right not always first time but trying and really pushing what you do without worrying too much about everything.
When it comes to my work, I won't dare put it out in the world until it is perfect, not sure if thats the Virgo in me or just an annoying trait, but you're only as good as your last piece of work, well that's what my sculptor tutor use to say to me at Uni. I guess that's what pushes us as artists and creatives or even entrepreneurs and bloggers we can't rest on our laurels. There is always something going on, someone succeeding, someone doing the hardest to be the best. It's a tough world and sometimes its really bloody hard, the last two weeks it has been super tempting to walk back into a a day job, applying for something because I miss being around people, earning a safe and steady income, I'm at the stage in my life where I am thinking beyond myself and thinking about security and future. Freelance Life isn't the safest of options if like me you get anxious about the littlest thing. But for some reason my stubbornness and determination stopped me from emailing those Cv's at that current moment, I sat back and thought about those four long years teaching after I graduated five years ago, and every moment I taught, every lunch break, free lesson in that job I dreamed of drawing, painting and creating work, the last few months, with the ease of working for myself I had become lazy and unambitious, I hate to say it but I lost my spark. I'm not saying it has fully come back but my drive and push for wanting to create and work has reappeared and couldn't come at a better time.
Sometimes it just happens for no reason at all, our want to create, share and develop just leaves us with no warning. If this teaches us one thing it is to make the most of the now, right now I have three completed paintings staring at me waiting to be scanned in and shared with the world, I have had some great feedback on my instagram and I've drunk enough tea that my soul is in a good place, whilst I feel less guilty for not venturing to the gym since Saturday, my bills have been paid for the next month so my sole focus for today is painting, developing my style and finding the good in the everyday whilst trying to lower my anxieties. I'm making the most of what I have to work with today.
HOPE YOU'VE HAD A LOVELY DAY