28 April 2016

finding hope



Sometimes I think you couldn't even write my life, when I look over the last few months I feel like I have completely lost myself, I look back at photos of me in September and it feels like I'm a completely different person. For good and for bad reasons, in that time I have discovered a lot about people and myself.

I have taken to writing the majority of my feelings down in journals and drawing them in my sketchbook. I wake most mornings in a daze filled with coffee and to-do lists. The last seven months have felt more like a few weeks, I have slowly come to terms with the loss of my mum when I say come to terms it's more like adapting to the loss. The last few days I have felt more and more like my mum is with me which has helped me deal with a few stressful moments, when you have to walk through life during some stressful times without the support of someone who meant so much to you that's tough, but its teaching me so much, I have come to realise that my mum instilled in me the belief that I am capable of great things but I live with the guilt of the loss of my mother on an hourly basis, I struggle to sleep as I know in the morning the heartbreak will reappear, everyday is a fresh start and I am so grateful for it, but it's bittersweet. I have felt less and less inspired or capable of blogging, within my heart I look at other bloggers and I struggle to pen current happenings or fun moments when my life hasn't exactly been fabulous, but I guess we weather all storms and what matters is that we make it to the other side, clearly changed but still standing.

Art to me has been my savior, my ability to draw has dragged me out of so many rough situations. Being creative is my life, being able to make something from nothing not always for monetary gain is what makes my heart sing. I enjoy what I do, I truly do it's kept my brain working, my hands busy and my hope strong. It's hard to explain, when you're in your darkest hour and you create something fun, bright and colourful and then you have people buying it, that makes what you struggle through worth it, you feel accepted in a weird way. 
 
Most days are filled with drawing and working my way through my everyday. I took myself away from the gym and working out hard, sometimes its good to have a break from that life style. I love working out but in moderation is the way forward. I am feeling slightly on the podgy side but I've figured as soon as I get back into running it will be ok, nothing wrong with having a temporary break.

Taking my time away from most things and most people has made me realise what path I should head down, when you have plenty of paths too choose from, it's pretty tough when someone isn't moderating you its a tricky leap of faith, not that my mum would tell me to do anything but she was my safety blanket.

My previous weeks had been filled dealing with a sociopath that was hell bent on lying about everything , robbing, being abusive and bringing me down, it's been awful, I don't shy away from feelings I don't think you can in life and maybe one day I will feel stronger to share that with people, but for now I'm ok with being where I am. You can imagine my days now that aren't filled with that are a blessing still an occasional stress but when you decide that you are worth more then that walking away and finding the truth in that situation is the best thing for my sanity and for my future. We have the hope inside ourselves and the strength.
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3 comments

  1. I can't even begin to imagine how tough these last few months must have been. I can only admire you for writing so honestly about everything on here. You are definitely an inspiration to me. I hope life will be kinder to you from now on. Love, Eline

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  2. Ella X keep going lovely, and I'm pleased you got rid of that nasty piece of work... Step by step xxx

    Zoe D

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  3. You are so incredibly strong, I admire you so so much xxx

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