1 July 2016

a sign


Since loosing mum back in September I have found myself at a loss most evenings, the time I would of spent cooking with her and nattering on our doorstep had turned itself into empty time, heart break and a real sense of loss something that my heart has never truly felt until now. I was rather at a loss as to what to do with myself. I wander one day while out with a good friend into  the Brick Lane bookstore, drawn to the biographies of muscians with a toss up between just kids by patti smith or Keith Richards auto biography now it's been a fair while since I had read anything new. For some reason I just had to get "Just Kids" having heard nothing of Patti Smith before other then occasionally seeing her face on pinterest. 

Instantly I was engrossed in the book, the time I would of spent with my mother was now filled with the beautiful words of Smith. This book became something of a comfort while I drank my coffee and watched the world go by from my bedroom window. She talks so deeply of loss, love and being creative. I had accidentally stumbled on a kindred spirit, a beacon of unexpected light in the silence that was once filled with my mother. I'm often to hard on myself for wasting my time on me, but the moments I spent reading the words in this book didn't feel selfish, it felt to me like I was learning about me. Patti Smith is an old soul and there was moments where she was able to word exactly how I felt as an artist, a person who had lost someone so dear to her and battle a life in the art world. 

Then there was a moment, she cropped up in other parts of my life, I was reading the autobiography of Kim Gordon picked up at the Punk exhibition at the British library which also held poetry written by Patti, in the book it talked of Patti and I took this as a sign. Then a few weeks later I was invited to the British summer time event, where I am today and guess whos preforming Patti Smith. Sometimes I find things happen for a reason, we are meant to be in that exact place at that exact time. Our hands are meant to pick things up, our eyes will see something and our hearts will react to something that was destined to be. 

It's been so nice being able to discover someone who I had never really paid attention to in the past, finding this creative, inspiring, strong woman in my hour of need knowing of her struggles in life and her ability to stay creative even though things had been tough. I am currently reading M train which is a book about nothing, but still her words fill my heart with happiness and I know full well that my mother travels with me through these life adventures always dropping things in my path and showing me even though the wounds are still open, I am able to heal myself with words. 

So really what I am trying to say is something happen for a reason, something appear when we need them the most, open yourself up to learn, more time spent with your own thoughts and taking the time for yourself to really listen to what is going on around you, be it reading, discovering new places, making new friends it can be anything sometimes the planet is trying to tell us something and we really need to start listening. 
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4 comments

  1. That's incredible. You are so right that things happen for a reason and the last paragraph of this post is definitely going to stick with me for a while. I've had a rollercoaster couple of months, but through consciously trying to slow down, take it all in and make better choices, instead of allowing myself to become wrapped up in knots, I'm starting to see it benefit my wellbeing. I hope you had a great time at the British summer time event too! x

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  2. What a lovely post, Ella. I always say I don't believe in fate but some things are just too odd to be coincidences. x

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  3. I am so sorry about your Mom!
    I agree to your thoughts and wish you all the best in future.

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