28 April 2016

finding hope



Sometimes I think you couldn't even write my life, when I look over the last few months I feel like I have completely lost myself, I look back at photos of me in September and it feels like I'm a completely different person. For good and for bad reasons, in that time I have discovered a lot about people and myself.

I have taken to writing the majority of my feelings down in journals and drawing them in my sketchbook. I wake most mornings in a daze filled with coffee and to-do lists. The last seven months have felt more like a few weeks, I have slowly come to terms with the loss of my mum when I say come to terms it's more like adapting to the loss. The last few days I have felt more and more like my mum is with me which has helped me deal with a few stressful moments, when you have to walk through life during some stressful times without the support of someone who meant so much to you that's tough, but its teaching me so much, I have come to realise that my mum instilled in me the belief that I am capable of great things but I live with the guilt of the loss of my mother on an hourly basis, I struggle to sleep as I know in the morning the heartbreak will reappear, everyday is a fresh start and I am so grateful for it, but it's bittersweet. I have felt less and less inspired or capable of blogging, within my heart I look at other bloggers and I struggle to pen current happenings or fun moments when my life hasn't exactly been fabulous, but I guess we weather all storms and what matters is that we make it to the other side, clearly changed but still standing.

Art to me has been my savior, my ability to draw has dragged me out of so many rough situations. Being creative is my life, being able to make something from nothing not always for monetary gain is what makes my heart sing. I enjoy what I do, I truly do it's kept my brain working, my hands busy and my hope strong. It's hard to explain, when you're in your darkest hour and you create something fun, bright and colourful and then you have people buying it, that makes what you struggle through worth it, you feel accepted in a weird way. 
 
Most days are filled with drawing and working my way through my everyday. I took myself away from the gym and working out hard, sometimes its good to have a break from that life style. I love working out but in moderation is the way forward. I am feeling slightly on the podgy side but I've figured as soon as I get back into running it will be ok, nothing wrong with having a temporary break.

Taking my time away from most things and most people has made me realise what path I should head down, when you have plenty of paths too choose from, it's pretty tough when someone isn't moderating you its a tricky leap of faith, not that my mum would tell me to do anything but she was my safety blanket.

My previous weeks had been filled dealing with a sociopath that was hell bent on lying about everything , robbing, being abusive and bringing me down, it's been awful, I don't shy away from feelings I don't think you can in life and maybe one day I will feel stronger to share that with people, but for now I'm ok with being where I am. You can imagine my days now that aren't filled with that are a blessing still an occasional stress but when you decide that you are worth more then that walking away and finding the truth in that situation is the best thing for my sanity and for my future. We have the hope inside ourselves and the strength.
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20 April 2016

life lately marathon update why I have had to postpone till 2017


I have been away for what feels like an absolute life time so I want to get down to my main aim in this blog post my marathon training had been going swimmingly up until about 7 weeks ago after a couple of heavy asthma attacks I was unable to train for extensive periods making life just that little bit more stressful, on top of this I discovered my now ex partner had been cheating on me the whole of our relationship. So you can imagine how much my heart hasn't been in a lot over this time, meaning with the asthma scare training became to tough to do regularly. It pains me to have to write this blog post, but I won't be taking part in the London Marathon 2016 but I will be running the London Marathon 2017,  I have held my place with Asthma Uk and all the money raised so far has been extended to this date which is great news as I didn't want everyone generosity going to waste, but you have to listen to your body.

I have felt tremendously bad that I have let people down over this but at the end of the day i wanted to run this in the memory of my mum and I would now feel I would be completing it to get it out of the way and I didn't want it to turn into that. I wanted to do this with all my heart, i need to work on building myself, my heart and my mind back up so it is 100% `ready putting all the rubbish things that have happened to me in the last 7 months behind me to work on a stronger me completely selfish but I'm thinking there is always the next half marathon and 2017 to focus on. I know all that matters to me is that my mum would be proud and she would wholeheartedly support me in my decision. I will be upping the amount I want to raise to a little more and will get my training back into gear in May once my lungs have settled back and I am over what seems to be a vomiting bug. I underestimate the grieving process and the energy I would need to train and support myself after loosing mum, I hope people can understand that as much as I want to stride across that finishing line triumphantly I also need to make sure I am fit and healthy, the reason my mother passed away was that she neglected herself and health is our most important asset. Everyone of my readers, followers and supporters have been so fab since loosing mum so I just hope that support continues I will be sharing it more this time round also I wanted to thank the ever fabulous team over at Asthma UK for their love and support choosing this tough decision wasn't easy.
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