12 July 2016

My experince with fat shaming after loosing weight

I wasn't 100% sure how I would word this post, I just knew I had to talk about my experience. People who have been following and reading my blog from the start or up until two years ago would of read about my weight loss. Now its been one hell of a journey tough at times but who wants things to come so easy in life hey!? 

Something hit home to me the other day that I have been struggling with, I received a message from a guy on Tinder (the joys), now often the messages start with compliments about how I look, bear in mind this dating app is solely based on looks, so clearly the two people have to like the look of each other, its pretty simple and pretty shallow. But this one guy really troubled me, so I shared with him after a few comments that I had lost weight not digressing how much until later in the conversation. He proceeded to tell me that he doesn't know many people who are into "fat chicks" as he so eloquently put it, then going onto say he was glad I had lost weight as he probably wouldn't of even swiped right on me if I had been my "Old self". In that moment when I read it I wanted to unmatch him instantly. But you know what I stood my ground and I gave him more then a bit of my mind.

Now I had some thoughts for one I haven't changed myself I have just lost weight, I am the same person I was when I was a size 22 to the person I am today at a size 8, what people don't realise is as much as I enjoy being the size I am now for the fact I can breath easier and feel more comfortable in myself, I don't need to be told that I am now more desirable being a slimmer woman, it is not how people should be thinking. It reinforces that fact the thoughts I had were justified, the thoughts of being worthless when I was bigger. I am still just as insecure as I was when I was a larger size, this is something I am working on, and it makes me angry that certain people refuse to see passed someones looks. I have had this from ex boyfriends as well " I wouldn't of asked you out if you had been as big as you use to be." It truly hurts that people think like that, I understand physical attraction is important but to be so shallow is shocking.

 It and you know what I felt an anger that has been troubling me since I've lost weight. People make silly assumptions that being bigger automatically makes you lazy, unhealthy or unlovable and its just not the case. You obviously (not always) have to be attracted to the person you're with, but to sweepingly dismiss someone because oh how they look is shocking. The guy proceeded to tell me that I was unlikely to date a 20 stone guy because being big is unattractive according to this Tinder guy. I have dated all different body types its the persons personality and how they treat you is attractive. 

 I lost weight for my health problems not because I wanted someone to love me, I was unhappy with the way I looked, I spent many years feeling massively inadequate and unattractive becasue of my size, I felt that I couldn't be attractive because I was larger. It is now a silly and self destructive trail of thought, i know that and I have learned this the hard way. Anyone, any size, shape colour or sexuality deserves love, deserves to feel sexy, deserves to feel wanted. 

Do not fear I know that this guy was narrow minded and in his own odd way trying to give me a compliment regarding how I look now, but remember that silly things people say can have a massive effect on how we see ourselves, just remember that there are a handful of nasty people compared to the kind, compassionate and loving individuals that we choose to hold onto. Don't get me wrong people are allowed opinions but when these are sweeping, contradictions (his was very) I eventually came to the conclusion I feel sorry for them, imagine living such a shallow life. 

So the moral of the story is to love yourself and avoid Tinder.

8 July 2016

Aloft London Excel stay

I had the pleasure of staying the night at the lovely Aloft London Excel, even though I am a Londonder I still get super excited about staying in my own city.  My room was upgraded to a suite which was bigger then my house so you can imagine how nice it was to have some quiet time and space. 

The Hotel itself had some really helpful staff and I don't think I have stayed in a Hotel that modern. So it made for a fun experience. The artist in me loved the colour of the exterior of the hotel, yep I know massively geeky.  The location of the hotel is great if you need to visit tourist attractions, but at the same time it felt like you weren't in London. 

My room over looked the river and it felt rather peaceful as I sipped on my coffee, I have recently become a massive coffee addict so it was nice touch to have the coffee machine at my disposable, it really is about the small things.

I spent my evening in the WXYZ bar which had a really fun atmosphere whilst live musicians played I sat and drew whilst eating. 
It was really nice because often when I'm traveling and staying alone it  can feel a tad lonely but the atmosphere was fun and friendly.

Morning, I emerged after a wonderful nights sleep in a big double bed to myself and ventured down stairs to sample the breakfast. There was a lovely mix of fresh fruit and cooked breakfast I'm not a big breakfast gal so I opted for some orange juice and fruit, thinking I'll make myself a tea after my shower. 

I did stupidly blow my kettle up resulting in having to call the reception as it had blown the electrics resulting in me looking rather soggy after the shower and waiting for the electrician to turn up. which he did super quick and sorted things with no effort. 

I loved the interior of my suite, it was modern, minimal and well thoughts out. It was lovely and peaceful even though you could see the aeroplanes over head



7 July 2016

Foodie Haunts - freak shakes fun

 So if like me you love the occasional indulgent treat then head to the Canvas cafe just off brick lane create the tastiest of Vegan treats...welcome to the world the Freak shakes  You've probably seen them all over Instagram, but in real life they are just as tasty as they look.


Now I'm a complete sucker for a milkshake but I no longer drink cows milk and it's often such a challenge to find something Vegan and sweet when I go out for a meal. I had the chocolate freak shake which came with little bits of brownies, I discovered that the juices chickpeas come in can be turned into meringue, it blew my tiny mind!

The Canvas cafe has such a chilled vibe and felt really welcoming, it was really nice to find a little calming cafe of the bustle that is Brick lane and it is definitely worth a try. 


6 July 2016

Pastel delights

A few weeks ago me and Jaymie decided to go on a wee adventure around and visit a few new places. Jaymie is always the best at find the most picturesque things and places. We went on the hunt for the Sugar House studios that have the prettiest of tiled back drops.  I was saying the other day that I don't post that many outfit photos due to the fact I am literally always in black or sewn into this leather jacket that I brought in Zara a few months ago. Possibly the best purchase I have ever made. I couldn't seem to find it online but I know that Natasha picked one up the other day.

 Jacket Zara | Boots Topshop | Strappy top H&M | Necklace H&M | Belt H&M | Bag Kanken |

So I just love the colours in these tiles they just make me smile. Another item in my wardrobe that I take with me everywhere is my Kanken I picked mine up from Urban Outfitters and I had wanted one for years but I couldn't bring myself to part with the money. So I used a little of the money I made from a big job and just brought one. One of my favorite purchases. I use it as my gym bag but more importantly its perfect for when I am carrying around all my art things it holds a hell of a lot more then I thought it would. It also brings out my inner child ha!

5 July 2016

Green and black

Kanken Bag | Jeans H&M | Boots Topshop | Wrap over top River Island | Belt H&M | Leather jacket Zara - Similar

Something about a beautiful shop exterior that I cant walk away from, I have to snap a photo or paint a picture. I love the fact that my outfit matched The Labour and wait store I promise you it was totally unintentional.

4 July 2016

10 Best ways to find yourself again

Life is filled with learning curve, dips, highs and lows often we loose ourselves and what our true path is . Often we can be way too hard on ourselves. So I have created a little list of things that have helped me in the last few weeks.

1. Take up Yoga
I now do my best to do Yoga every morning before starting work or venturing out in the world, it's really simple and easy plus you get to just focus your energies and time on feeling your body and it's super calming. I find this helps center me for the day. I use blogilates wake up with me session.

2. Write more
 I have found journaling, drawing and getting all my thoughts from my head and onto paper to be the best way for me to wriggle through all my thoughts and find exactly how i feel, where I want to be and not let all that rubbish, stressful things cloud your vision too much.
3. Take 20 minutes to yourself a day
I have found the thoughts I have when I am alone inspiring and thats when I truly feel like myself. If you are always super busy, we all are take 20 mins stop stressing and listen to yourself. 
4.  Rid yourself of toxic relationships and friendships
We all do it, stay friends with people because we always have, we are too afraid to hurt their feelings, to afraid to let go. What ever the reason is, if it is bringing you down, sucking the life from you walk away. There is no point loosing yourself in a relationship or friendship that will ultimately break down. Stay true to yourself. 

5. listen to your gut 
It's pretty simple if it doesn't feel right it probably isn't

6. Take yourself off the internet for a little while
I stepped away from my instagram and blog for a few weeks to listen to my creative process and to go old school, take photos for myself, work on my own projects so I could finally feel I had something that represented me again rather then absorbing everyone else influence.
7.Be with people who lift your spirit. 
We've all got them people that make us smile, cheer us up and make us realise how important friendships and time socialing is.  These people are also great for putting our situations into perspective and making us more aware of our path. They are also wonderful for pouring our hearts out to and pushing us to our limits to reach our best.

8. Work on something you've always wanted
Just do it,  I have a few things I have planned a few bucket list goals because I can and I want to. we put way too much off and in the process chip away at the person we could be. 
9 Go on an epic adventure 
Take yourself off somewhere nice, book a little weekend away and enjoy new faces and new places

10. Treat yourself 
I don't just mean to a new pair of shoes, but that's a start. Treat yourself to an indulgent bath, that new dress you know will make yourself feel a million dollars, Treat yourself to more fresh fruit, more time in bed. What ever it is be kind to yourself .


1 July 2016

a sign

Since loosing mum back in September I have found myself at a loss most evenings, the time I would of spent cooking with her and nattering on our doorstep had turned itself into empty time, heart break and a real sense of loss something that my heart has never truly felt until now. I was rather at a loss as to what to do with myself. I wander one day while out with a good friend into  the Brick Lane bookstore, drawn to the biographies of muscians with a toss up between just kids by patti smith or Keith Richards auto biography now it's been a fair while since I had read anything new. For some reason I just had to get "Just Kids" having heard nothing of Patti Smith before other then occasionally seeing her face on pinterest. 

Instantly I was engrossed in the book, the time I would of spent with my mother was now filled with the beautiful words of Smith. This book became something of a comfort while I drank my coffee and watched the world go by from my bedroom window. She talks so deeply of loss, love and being creative. I had accidentally stumbled on a kindred spirit, a beacon of unexpected light in the silence that was once filled with my mother. I'm often to hard on myself for wasting my time on me, but the moments I spent reading the words in this book didn't feel selfish, it felt to me like I was learning about me. Patti Smith is an old soul and there was moments where she was able to word exactly how I felt as an artist, a person who had lost someone so dear to her and battle a life in the art world. 

Then there was a moment, she cropped up in other parts of my life, I was reading the autobiography of Kim Gordon picked up at the Punk exhibition at the British library which also held poetry written by Patti, in the book it talked of Patti and I took this as a sign. Then a few weeks later I was invited to the British summer time event, where I am today and guess whos preforming Patti Smith. Sometimes I find things happen for a reason, we are meant to be in that exact place at that exact time. Our hands are meant to pick things up, our eyes will see something and our hearts will react to something that was destined to be. 

It's been so nice being able to discover someone who I had never really paid attention to in the past, finding this creative, inspiring, strong woman in my hour of need knowing of her struggles in life and her ability to stay creative even though things had been tough. I am currently reading M train which is a book about nothing, but still her words fill my heart with happiness and I know full well that my mother travels with me through these life adventures always dropping things in my path and showing me even though the wounds are still open, I am able to heal myself with words. 

So really what I am trying to say is something happen for a reason, something appear when we need them the most, open yourself up to learn, more time spent with your own thoughts and taking the time for yourself to really listen to what is going on around you, be it reading, discovering new places, making new friends it can be anything sometimes the planet is trying to tell us something and we really need to start listening. 
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