I have spent the day sulking, yep like a petulant child a day filled with naps and being hard on myself. You see I get like this from time to time and it's over the silliest thing... my weight. Yep that age old weight gain issue, I have managed in the last three years to loose 8 stone at my lightest I was around 8 stone (an unhealthy I might add 8 stone) I now currently sit at around 9 stone and that by no stretch of the imagination is heavy but the fear of becoming unhealthy and gaining weight has played on my mind.
I have recently found myself in a new and surprisingly wonderful relationship now if you're anything like me and have the ability to self sabotage a relationship at twenty paces can I get a high five! The main cause of this self sabotaging is because I deem myself as far too unattractive and chubby to be loved, now any of my mates were to utter such nonsense I would shake them until they came to realise how downright ridiculous that sounds, believe me I have tried to unthink those thoughts but a life time of self hatred and self loathing congers up such wonderful thoughts...and you no what I don't want to think like that anymore its silly and unhealthy.
Boots Public Desire
A conscious decision was made around 6 months ago to reduce the amount of gym time I was inflicting on myself, five to six times a week I would head to the gym, calorie count and fear eating the wrong thing just in case it would make me feel guilty, this is where I sadly developed an eating disorder (I haven't openly spoken about this and in time I'll try) and I knew that my obsessive nature meant I was getting myself in a bad place, I took the drastic action of stopping my Marathon training my head wasn't in the right place. so now when I eat normally and exercise less of course I'm going to gain a few pounds here and there just for the sheer fact I am eating normally and not restricting myself.
I absolutely love eating, it's a fact and now I am with someone that tells me I'm beautiful as I am, and will happily devour an entire pizza with me is just a blessing in itself and it is slowly making me realise what should matter is as cliché as it sounds whats inside us that matters more then the size of out trousers or how many calories we've consumed that day. I need to realise that this body I have been given is an absolute blessing and stop thinking negatively about all my lumps and bumps, I have hang ups about my lack of boob but I have a good ass so really you can't have everything can you? I recently read a post by Chloe Plumstead over on The Little plum Were she talks about embracing her size and just being herself and this blog post completely resonated with me, and made me think why the hell should I feel guilty or hard on myself plus she an absolute goddess and I adore her sense of fashion so it gave me a wonderful little boost to read such wholesome words from a fellow female blogger.
So this year needs to be the year of embracing myself, my body and learning not to punish myself if I enjoy a nice curry with the boyfriend or having an extra cupcake and pushing through my anxieties and going to the gym at least three times a week and not worrying if I have a little chub here and there no one really cares.