So I have been struggling with this thought for as long as I can possibly remember and its not till now that I totally feel comfortable to admit this to myself, that I have been suffering on and off with depression since I was about 11. Any of you that read my twitter may have seen that I broke up with my boyfriend at the weekend, it was slightly mutual and made me realise a lot about myself. I have been writing this post on and off for the last four days, not really knowing how to word my feelings. Don’t worry i am no longer heart broken, or emotionally on the edge ( I don’t think I ever really was). And it was at this point that it all became too much, I am aware that sharing too much information online can’t always be good, but I thought screw it why not!
Now I am not one for truly opening up and and being a semi-professional blogger this is a lot out of character for me, opening up isn’t always what I am best at online, in person i talk about everything and anything (kinda). This isn’t me searching for pity, or me being like woe is me life is rubbish, I guess its just me putting out there. I often get many people email me about my work, why do I do so much? where do I get the time? and why am I always working? I guess i’ve only just realised its my coping mechanism to get me through the stresses in life. It’s now become so intrinsic within me that I do things and push through things without truly realising it.
I know a lot of people who suffer from a form of depression, so I was aware of my feelings for along time without actually admitting to myself that I am suffering from it myself, humour is my coping mechanism among many. I have pretty much suppressed it for the last 14 years I guess, i’ve decided well its probably time for a change and took the time sunday to talk to my mum about a few things. I think the frustration got to me a little bit. But thats ok becuase we are all humans.
Mum was in no way aware of how I was feeling, like I said humour gets me through, I’m one of those people who even if I spoke about my issues no one would be too bothered or would care ( that thought was in my head and wasn’t true), that way of being like I don’t want to burden you sort of thing. It got so bad it was to the point i no longer wanted to deal with it anymore or wake up in the morning, I guess I let a lot get to me, what with a very serious incident at work that I had to resolve before I left and an abrupt break up to top it all off.
I have come across a few people who don’t understand the feeling of being depressed “there is a sure fire way of snapping out of it” they say, its the constant feeling in your head, for me its a constant non stop pushing. Some people can’t do anything for days, I can’t stop I never have down time. I suffer from server panic attacks since I was about 5 not aware that they were panic attacks up until about a year ago. They sort of come in waves when I am really stressed, and if I am honest I am stressed probably 90% of the time in fear that if I stop in anyway I will fall off the face of this earth ( totally unrealistic i know theres no logical reasoning!)
I’m not really sure on the use of this blog post its more of a realisation for me that things can get better, and life isn’t always peachy and perfect, its ok to sometimes realise you can’t cope and you may need to ask for help. I am aware that a lot of us blog to share products, art, and what we have been up to, to relate to people. So I have felt like as a person with over 11,000 readers and followers across a lot of social media platforms, I felt an obligation to share my story to make people aware that its hard to talk about how we feel and sometimes we really don’t want to. No matter how high the walls we put up, sometimes, the only way to get through is to talk about it, write it down get it out of your head and get help. I haven’t for 11 years, I personally just thought it was my cross to bare, not anyone else’s, but remember there is probably someone out there who really cares and loves you and would hate to think of you suffering.
Mum has been great ( and so have lyzi, bee, and my 2 besties kelly and debbie thank you) and I have realised that I need to take everyday as it comes ( don’t worry i’m getting help), so I hope in someway this has helped someone out there, to realise that suffering alone be it stress, depression, loneliness or fear of failure you aren’t alone. You may look at my life, my drawings or what I create with envy or a sort of her life is pretty cool, well we all have our issues and stresses. Just its not always fun to moan or want to share those negative moments with the world!
This is why I created this blog to help and in some way create a place were people could feel inspired be it advice, life or the sheer fact you like the look of my drawings. This is where my negative emotions have gone, into creating this here blog, something positive and I can look at and say “hell yeah I did that” I want you to see that even though sometimes you don’t think you can cope well you probably can, maybe not in the way someone else can but little by little, push by push we can at least try and to me thats what matters and this has got me through. I am too stubborn for the negative feelings to take hold, but in moments of weakness its easy I understand that, its so very hard to not let it consume you, but like I said remember there is someone out there even if you haven’t met them yet that cares about you, and you should care about you.
I hope you can take something from these. Anyway I should stop rambling thanks for reading.