I am currently heaping so much pressure upon myself that I feel that my brain may explode, I feel its the constant risk I run with being an over thinker. After a little catch up with Natasha who seems to be the only person in my life that can gauge any understanding on the inner workings of my creative mind, after bombarding her with a very stressful personal life issue cough cough court case cough we chatted openly about the pressures we face in our jobs but the pressures who having to have your shit together in life.
Now let me be candid about this, I’m currently feeling like I’m failing at life, there I said it. I recently received a pretty lengthy message from a reader over on my Instagram talking abut being a fan of what I do. I was so flattered but at the same time at a loss for what to actually write back. I have no idea how I’m holding my life together, outward appearances would suggest it’s a pretty nice life, and it is the majority of the time. But I don’t have my shit together at all.
Since turning 29 it’s hit me a bit like a brick wall, the old biological clock is ticking, and hell I would make cute kids but you can’t exactly turn to your boyfriend after 8 months and be like fancy it? the answer would be a panicked no but not just from him but from me. I’m creating this pressure from external sources, 95% of my mates have bought they’re own home (they live outside of London) they’re all pretty much engaged and either have kiddies on the way or a few. Now as Natasha pointed out they probably look at my life, of blog events and being my own boss and wish heck that sounds like fun, no need to change shitty nappies there but it’s not all freebies and mingling with pretty people. I haven’t made as much as I would of liked to this month, I’m chasing my ass and to top it off it’s coming up to mum’s 2 year anniversary since she passed so it means having to drag my sad ass outta bed to be my own boss.
I think we all have lost sight of how life really works it’s not through comparisons on a phone screen or beating ourselves up because others appear to be winning at life and we aren’t I guess all we can do is be happy for those people bossing at their lives and then taking the time to evaluate ours and doing everything in our power to bring what we need into ours. It is pretty hard to remember on a daily basis that it is really about the journey and not the destination.
I have so steadily come to the conclusion I might never feel fully satisfied, tonight I have the closing party of the Helmet project which is amazing and we are raising money for brain injuries and I am exhibiting along side the likes of Grayson Perry, Jake and dinos chapman and some of my favourite tattooist. Now if you were to say to me ten years ago that, that would be the case I would of felt like I had made it, but I guess I’m always pushing my goals but my worry is will I ever feel satisfied with the life I chose? Ah but anyway I guess the moral of the story is to be grateful for the place that I’m at withe people I have in my life and trust the process.
Can we also just take the time to appreciate Natasha’s Devine photography skills, I think these might just my favourite photos of me ever taken, I do really need to get back into my blogging game don’t I?!
Outfit details, top is actually a dress from h&m, trousers are George at Asda, boots are dune and the jackets an old faux leather one from Zara