opening up

Isn’t life just incredibly confusing, like I don’t think my brain copes to well with day to day tasks anymore or travelling its like just goes into complete shut down. I’ve not openly shared my brothers suicide since it happened at the start of March, I haven’t wanted to really due to my family, and for me this whole horrible experience has been a lot to process. My confidence has taken a nose dive, my ability to concentrate has disappeared and my heart hurts more then I thought possible.  Grief is a very confusing emotion to navigate. My mother passed away nearly 3 years ago from complications after an asthma attack, very sudden a lot like my brothers death and processing both with anxieties and depression are a struggle and these feelings often take over my day. I am blessed with an incredibly understanding boyfriend, he just lets me talk, he always reinforces  how great I am and how much I need to start believing in myself. But its hard isn’t it when life sometimes feels to painful, to even deal with the simplest of tasks.

I found myself quite recently in a very unfamiliar city working on a major project when I had to take my first talking therapies phone call. Even getting me to this city was a struggle in itself, so I found myself a quite corner of the staff room with my ear pressed against a window to get signal so I could take the call. It was hard work, I had to open up to a complete stranger about my struggles, talk through all of the details that were making my life at times feel impossible. It was painful and I cried and she reassured me. After I got off the phone, it was nice to hear I wasn’t going mad and that someone would listen. I now have my first counselling session set and in place for two weeks time, it scares me beyond belief and my future feels completely uncertain but I know that I can deal with feeling how terrible I currently feel.

I have faith in my inner strength, I have faith in my abilities to overcome incredible hardship and I have the strength of love I’ve never really had before, from my Boyfriend that keeps me seeking, drawing and occasionally throughout my day I feel hope that the pain won’t always be so sharp and hard to swallow.

I will be sharing my progress with my therapy over the next few weeks I have 6 sessions so lets see if at least a tiny bit of positive motion can come from this and my  #ella365project is certainly helping with that.