Where have I been?

Don’t worry, I wont start the blog post apologising for not being about, I have literally had nothing to say and thats ok, I keep finding myself with too many photos and barely any words. I thought about beating myself up for being a “bad blogger” but then the next thought that pops into my mind is am I even a blogger anymore? cue mid life crisis what am I!? what have I been doing this last year? where am I going?

I have found life after my Brothers death a series of putting clothes on and coping with what that day has to throw at me, its as simple as that. I have moments of joy and love but often or not my anxieties will swiftly take over and I find myself having to retreat into my comfort zone. The comfort zone being my room surrounded by my work or spending my time with my boyfriend.

My Brothers anniversary looms closer, barely days away. I can’t wrap my head around the thought, almost 365 days since I last saw him alive. I often sit with Ben and he allows me to just ramble on about how I feel and how much I miss my brother, he doesn’t bore of my happy memories or sigh when all I do is cry, he’s a good egg. I have some big scary meetings to face in a couple of days that I know will take a lot of my courage, I have felt the weight of life these last few months. With this level of grief and stress I find myself barely recognising myself in the mirror fretting that my age is catching up with me, seeing my mothers features in my face more then my own.

In a way I am comforted by the endless days ahead of me I have no idea what I’m doing, yes I’m 30 but I’ve had 4 years worth of things 70 year olds should deal with, so I’m cutting myself some slack in regards to where my life is headed. In regards to running my business with this mind set, it might not work for everyone but I am trying to embrace all the changes that I will be facing. To me right now the importance is making enough money to eventually move with Ben up north and to push my new bespoke illustration services that I am focusing time on.

One of the vital aspects I have learnt in the last year or so is not to rest on my laurels , to try your hand at most things and to see if they stick, back in June I decided to set up my own jewellery store Love and Luck, and in January I took the leap and did my first Silversmithing course. I found some courage from somewhere and just did it. Not much of a big deal to most but for someone with anxieties and Agoraphobia I’ll happily take pride in that! Its been a joy finding myself in new creative ventures and if I’m honest the different venues of income have truly kept me going. I have had some wonderful supporters and amazing customers over that time. I have fritted away money and I have gained a fair amount of weight, its been hard on many levels but at the same time I have gained so much, my little niece and nephew have become one of the happiest aspects of my life and my relationship has gone from strength to strength the man needs a medal for putting up with me.

As I venture into the unknown that is 2019 ( I know its nearly March), I am hoping to blog more, getting back into my love of photography which I’ve neglected since my iPhone has taken over. I also need to cultivate my ability to write, I find myself scribbling into my journal and not even given my blog a second thought so I think I need to retrain my brain to getting back in the blogging mood.


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